The 'excited' and 'resting' states

Building my own lab...well I knew what it meant in the abstract. Even, I imagined, in the concrete. Well now apparently it is the reality. Although it still has a surreal quality to it. 


As I always do, I plan, replan, map out, write down, dream, dream, dream some more...now, all the details are like a well written algorithm on my eyelids, I close my eyes and the screen lights up. But then it really happens, and it looks nothing like what it did in the eyelid-map! But ages later, when you look back at it, on the whole things worked out, rather well, but the details are all different. 


So now, I have a job (I write project proposals, attend faculty meetings, begin making lists of equipment), but I don't really (I don't get paid, I take off from work when I please, I don't receive any of the emails notifying the faculty about faculty meetings!) . I have a proposed office, a cleaned out lab bench, fish in the nursery and no plasmids to call my own,  no students, no work (?).


Work. That is an interesting conundrum. I write about what I plan to do and how much I plan to spend all the time, sometimes day and night , monday and sunda, in fact I wonder how and when people really get any work done this way. But, I don't seem to be able to get activated beyond the resting state to start anything. Granted its only been a week, but still what the hell am I doing here?!?!?!?!?